The GrillOut

As an immunocompromised person living through the pandemic, I’ve had complicated feelings watching Zom 100: Bucket List of the Dead.

All it took was watching the first episode to realize it would be a serious competitor for anime of the year. The premise was brilliantly simple. Akira Tendo has spent three years having his life crushed out of him by an abusive company and capitalism so much he feels like a literal zombie apocalypse would be "heaven" compared to going into his office. And then literally the next day, waves of zombies start overwhelming the world and he makes the choice to seize the day and live his happiest life. The show was also visually stunning. The moment where color literally returned to Akira’s life as he realizes he is truly free from the shackles that have held him down? A masterful moment of animation.

By the final moments of episode one where he wrote "100 things I want to do before becoming a zombie" on that notebook I was caught hook, line, and sinker, just like so many others who were on the edge of their seats waiting for the next episode to drop.

But then episode two introduced one of the most powerful philosophical conflicts of the series. Akira wants to "loaf around and drink beer all day" but to do that, he has to risk his life going to a convenience store to get beer in the first place. Upon arriving there he meets Shizuka Mikazuki, a woman clearly taking the risk of being zombified extremely seriously. When Akira asks for her contact information, she denies him while clearly admonishing his behavior. "I can’t see myself teaming up with someone who doesn’t know how to analyze risk. I’d prefer not to lower my chances of survival."

I noticed an all too familiar feeling of panic and dismay began gnawing at the corners of my heart but I couldn't quite pinpoint why. So I pushed it aside temporarily to continue the episode. After Akira gets home he sees a couple he had run into that morning didn’t make it. He sits down, drinks his beer, and says the lines that finally made everything click.

"We could die today... Or we could die 60 years from now. Either way, there's never enough time to do all the things we want. Life's too short to avoid taking risks... If I have to go on living without doing the things I want to do, I would rather be eaten by zombies."

As those subtitles ran across the screen, all I could hear was a cacophony of voices in my head. "Covid is not going away, you have to live your life." "Why are you still afraid?" "People can do what they want but I’m not changing my life." "I won’t live in fear of Covid." All of those words could easily be summarized into what Akira was saying. To them, life is too short to avoid taking risks and if they have to go on living without doing the things they want to do, they would rather risk death or the severe health issues of long covid to return to the "new normal."

As someone high risk who could very well die if I catch COVID-19, it's one thing to hear words like this from right wing trolls. It's another thing to hear these words from friends you have held close for years as they decide maintaining that friendship isn’t worth it because of your safety needs. But when your own family, hell, your own mother, the woman who literally birthed you, the parent you were always told would unconditionally love you, decides that not wearing a piece of cloth on her face is more important than keeping her literal child and those like her from death or worse? It will break your heart in ways that are irreparable.

I was already shaken from this moment alone, but the episode wouldn't make it any easier. In its second half we get to see the entire situation from Shizuka's point of view. She's doing all she can to protect herself, and upon seeing Akira at the convenience store, she thinks to herself, "He's a classic case of a short-sighted person who’s unable to think beyond the present moment. How did someone like him end up surviving this long? It just doesn't make sense."

I lost so many disabled friends during this pandemic. I have seen people take every precaution only to have their lives demolished by catching this horrible illness and it giving them permanent disabilities. And I've watched some of the cruelest people laugh openly in our faces somehow have their lives remain unscathed. And I've wondered about how that could have happened and just how unfair that is so much my brain can’t spin together new thoughts on the subject any longer.

But it's the very end of the episode that I think stung most. Earlier, we see Shizuka eying a sakura mochi at the convenience store but she chooses against buying it as it would go against her survival plans which include minimizing her sugar intake. She’s looking over some footage from a camera she had set up for safety and sees just how excited Akira was to get his beer once more before she says this. "Who knew a single beer could make someone that happy in a state of emergency? Oh well... Maybe I should have grabbed that sakura mochi after all..." The show then pans over her computer screen with a list that reads: 100 Things To Do To Avoid Becoming A Zombie.

It's extremely obvious that Shizuka is not meant to be an antagonist. At this juncture of the story, she serves as a juxtaposition of Akira’s beliefs as the protagonist. But the series is already making it clear that Shizuka's desire to only focus on what keeps her safe makes her wrong, that the "hero" of the story is right, and that even Shizuka is starting to agree with him, even a little. It is made clear by the show that we’re supposed to agree with Akira, our protagonist, and in what he believes.

Everyone who continues to take precautions to keep themselves and others safe from COVID-19 has asked themselves a similar question: At what point is keeping this level of isolation and safety depriving them from living a fulfilling life? We see people go to massive conventions to interact with communities they care about in ways we never can safely. We have to watch friends and families gather for holidays while leaving us out. In my own personal case, it has now been at least three years since I have been able to safely see my own daughter as the travel that was once safe to undergo each summer and holiday to see each other could now kill me and I cannot conscionably put my daughter at risk of disability or death. I don’t want even a chance for her to have to live with the guilt of her contracting COVID-19, accidentally spreading it to me, and it resulting in my death. I cannot describe what I would give to safely hug my child in person once more instead of only connecting through texts and phone calls.

It is not an exaggeration to say this series has been weighing heavily over me ever since I saw this episode. How much I agreed with Akira’s philosophy had a vice grip on my mind. Those who know me personally are keenly aware of all the wild adventures I’ve had in my life, how I have fought so hard to have unique experiences that leave fantastic stories to tell in their wake. As corny as it sounds, the words Carpe diem have been a driving force of my life ever since I first heard them in Dead Poets Society years ago as a young teen. Am I betraying my ideals? Were those people right? Am I wasting my one chance at life by being afraid for my health? By wanting to protect others? These are the kinds of questions that I have been constantly turning over ever since seeing that episode.

It would have been easy to drop the series here, to ignore this inner turmoil brewing, but I’m glad I didn’t turn away and kept watching because the show has a lot more to say than this simple black and white reading of its themes.

Fast forward to episode 5 when Akira is trying to fulfill another part of his bucket list, remembering his childhood dream, which turns out to be that he wants to become a superhero. "To fight danger and save those in need in a kickass costume, without a reward... A hero of justice who saves people from zombies."

Akira and his best friend Kencho head towards the aquarium to find a shark suit. This should keep him safe from zombie bites, allowing Akira to become the ultimate superhero. A group of people trying to get to the harbor have their bus stopped and are suddenly overwhelmed by zombies. Akira jumps in to save a girl before the zombies maul her, and helps lead the group running by to safety. A group that just so happens to have Shizuka among their number.

While Akira tries to use this moment of heroism to talk to Shizuka when everyone is safe, but gets shot down for his antics right away. "He 'managed' to save 'complete strangers' from zombies this time. I don't intend to deny the fact that he saved people. But... Did you consider the danger to those truly important to you when you leaped into action to mollify your low self esteem?"

While the rest of her arguments are played off comedically as being argumentative, even Akira admits that she's right on this point, that his being a hero would put his best friend Kencho in danger. He acknowledges in that moment that there might be more than just selfishly fulfilling his own desires. It is his turn to accept that Shizuka's philosophy might be worth considering too.

This is examined even further as a wildly terrifying zombie shark with legs begins chasing after everyone Akira just saved by ushering them into the aquarium. It's only through Shizuka's knowledge of the aquarium, which she gained by studying its maps the moment she got safely inside the building, that most of the group is able to get away safely. In fact, the theme that selfishly only caring about your own wants and desires is bad is hammered home even harder when a woman shoves Shizuka to the ground, ensuring her own safety while leaving Shizuka to die, which is portrayed as a villainous act. She's shown chanting to herself, "It's not my fault, it's not my fault." I have heard similar words hurled at me when I ask if people feel responsible for the deaths of people that could have been easily prevented by taking precautions against COVID-19. People refusing to believe it’s their fault in any way that people are dead, or are actively being left to die. The symbolism of this moment should not be lost on the viewer.

When Shizuka questions why he would selflessly save her, he blows her away with his response. "When you’re hungry, you want to eat your fill. If you see a cute girl you try to get to know her. If I see someone who needs help, I want to be a hero." Up until this point, Shizuka herself has also been quite selfish, only focusing on what gives her the best chances of surviving without thinking of anyone else. Even now she’s still questioning how she feels. "If you die, it’s all over. Why do you go so far to go straight for the things you want to do?"

But once more, Shizuka proves her skills in analysis and risk management have their purpose as she scrapes together a plan to save them both. And she realizes it’s a long shot and asks Akira if he wants to risk it. She is making sure that unlike how he treated his friend Kencho earlier, that Akira has a choice.

In the end, the day is saved. Akira, Kencho, and Shizuka are walking away from the aquarium. Shizuka just comes right out and says what I’ve been pointing at this whole time, their methods are incompatible. She admonishes Akira once more for putting Kencho at risk, and Akira apologizes to Kencho, bringing that whole point about people consenting to the risks presented in their lives back to the forefront once again.

She tells Akira and Kencho that she wants to find a place that’s safe and sustainable, this is where she’ll be headed next. If such a place exists. They part ways, with Akira and Kencho deciding they will go back to Akira's hometown, Kanto's best kept secret, Gunma.

Which brings the three of them back together again as all three of them want to get an RV as it seems like the best way to manage long distance travel. This plan literally hits some spike strips when it turns out Akira’s former abusive supervisor has started a bit of a colony of people that takes advantage of travelers to exploit their labor. Once again, someone selfishly serving only their own interests is presented as the villain. I keep bringing this up because it’s going to be important later, so seriously, don’t forget it. Hell, this very evil supervisor gets angry at Akira for just trying to chill some beers as something kind to do for everyone. The good guy tries to help everyone around him, the bad guy only cares about himself and his own comfort. The show is drilling this theme home hard.

Akira falls into his old habits due to the abuse coming from his supervisor and ends up being convinced he might actually want to just stay and keep working there instead of fulfilling his own dreams. He is once again saved by Shizuka with a rousing speech. She proclaims how it was Akira who opened her eyes and made her want to live for her own desires and not simply fold over to do what others want from her.

Things take a sharp turn as zombies accidentally are let loose and everyone runs around in a panic. Several people climb onto the tops of trucks, desperately trying to keep alive. Akira sees his old supervisor being chased by zombies. He could simply leave him to die. He could take his friends and try to find a way to escape alone. But he refuses to do that. He even saves his horrible supervisor. "Standing by while someone's about to be eaten by zombies isn’t on my bucket list."

They manage to burn the zombies into a crisp due to Akira's wild plan. Then he and Shizuka have this exchange.

"Honestly, you're always doing something crazy."

"It wasn’t that great."

"I wasn’t giving you a compliment."

While they both laugh, this moment struck out to me as well. At this point, the show has repeatedly shown that Shizuka's point of view of wanting to focus on survival isn’t necessarily wrong, that having those ideas to balance out Akira simply jumping into situations thoughtlessly not only keeps him alive, but enables the entire trio to keep doing the things that make them happy. The show repeatedly also condemns those who do things purely for themselves, painting those that are selfish in that way as obvious villains.

Zom 100 as a show did not agree with the idea of people who are giving up any attempts at keeping others safe, selfishly pretending like life is "back to normal" now. The show has made it abundantly clear that while it is important to do what makes you happy, it should not come at the expense of others. That if risks have to be taken, we should all be allowed to consent to those risks and not have those choices taken away from us by the selfishness of others. And that even doing things to stay safe, survive, and protect others, is something you should actively be doing as it brings joy to your life as well as others.

I’m writing, recording, and editing this as the CDC warns we might once again be forced to ration care to those who are sick. As 15,000 people per week are hospitalized due to COVID-19 in the United States with 1000 of them dying weekly. In a world where every one in five adults reports having long covid. All of this devastation is taking place in one country alone, the numbers become even worse when viewed globally.

These thoughts have all been swirling in my head while waiting for Zom 100 to hopefully return triumphantly from its hiatus and finally air episode 10. It is not lost on me that this series has had massive production issues in an era where shows like Uncle From Another World and NieR: Automata Ver1.1a both faced production issues due to COVID-19. Was COVID-19 a reason why Zom 100 was delayed? We may never know because if you look at the comments of NieR: Automata's announcement in particular, you can see just how many people said COVID was not a reasonable excuse. People selfishly saying their personal entertainment is more important than others being permanently disabled or even outright killed certainly puts that line of, "If I have to go on living without doing the things I want to do, I would rather be eaten by zombies" in a whole new context.

But it’s that very cliffhanger the show has been hanging on until now that delivers the most valuable lesson Zom 100 has to offer us during this ongoing pandemic.

As it stands, the trio has made it back to Akira's hometown. A group of people doing their best to bring people in, keep them safe, and foster a healthy sustainable community despite the dangers around them. This is the kind of thing COVID conscious people have dreamed of with plenty joking about the idea of somehow having a town and moving everyone there to form a community of people actively looking out for and caring about each other.

Gunma is upheld as the best of what we as humans can do for each other in the middle of a crisis. It reminds me of how at the beginning of all of this, people banded together to help one another, supported essential workers and those in healthcare, began serious discussions about universal healthcare, and more. How for one huge moment, despite the horrors taking place around us, hope swelled for the chance at a brighter future.

The villains of this arc are set on letting zombies into Gunma, destroying the beautiful community that is being built. I have not read the manga. I have not seen how the story will play out yet as I write this. I assume that Akira and the gang will selflessly swoop in and do all they can to protect those they love and the community in Gunma and all it stands for, but that’s in the future, there is no way to know for sure. It is as uncertain as our future now, as the pandemic rages on mostly unchecked. I hope this arc of Zom 100 will have as happy an ending as possible, despite the messy circumstances the production and the protagonists have found themselves in. And I hope beyond hope we all will see a happy ending to the troubling times we find ourselves in too.